April 17, 2017
I don’t know the right words to say goodbye, so I wrote you this instead.
I love you.
So, so much.
If only I could give up my life for you, I would do it. You’re on my mind every day. When I walk down the streets, take my breakfast, take a bath, and of course, before I sleep, I always think of you. Thinking about what really happened between us. Thinking about our past sweet conversations and the way we exchanged our ”I love you’s” and ”I miss you’s”.
We said things like ”forever”, ”when we get married”, ”when we have children”, ”when we get stable jobs”, ”when we live together”, those felt so surreal but promising. It felt like it was a mix of genuine and fantasized feelings. Those chills and shivers that you bring me. Those words of yours that make me feel elated and full of glee. We thought that it was going to be us until the end, but we were wrong. We were wrong. We were wrong because we perfectly assumed that everything’s going to be okay and everything will work out on its own.
It started here.
I started to wake up feeling anxious and delirious. I suddenly felt something bizarre, something that I can’t explain. I tried to stop feeling that way but I really can’t control myself. It seems like something petty in my mind is trying to manipulate me. I started to doubt about our relationship. Our relationship that I thought was full of fantasies and less realities. I couldn’t handle the pain so I started crying.
Until then, I didn’t know what to do.
My feelings for you started to fade…
My feelings faded.
I left you all alone.
I left you without any formal “goodbyes”.
I even didn’t have the courage to say everything to you.
I just said, “Let’s stop this. I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t love you anymore.”
…and I walked away, leaving you clueless, worried, and afraid.
to be honest,
I really didn’t know why I left you.
I still loved you that day I left you.
“The worst feeling is pretending you don’t care about something, where really it’s all you seem to think about.”
I really don’t know why.
I just had this sudden feeling of leaving you without any damn reason.
I’m sorry. I was just so tired those days that’s why I said that my feelings had faded.
I’ve been searching for you since you left.
My heart’s been screaming for your name and my mind’s getting crazy because it’s been thinking of you.
I never thought that you were the one I needed.
I was such a fool for letting you go without any apparent reason.
Why? Why? Why?
”I never thought I would lose the moon while I was counting the stars.”
Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do. It was the hardest thing, but I didn’t feel any pain that day. I even didn’t care on what would you feel.
it felt like a part of me just disappeared.
Everyday, I’m waiting text messages from you. I have been calling you whenever I needed you.
But they all seem impossible to happen.
I wasted all those privileges.
All those privileges were all gone.
I didn’t get to know you anymore.
It’s like, you just forgot about what happened.
You forgot about everything we had.
The dreams we had together.
And in just one blink, I left you and we were alone in each other’s shell.
I always reminisce about the past, but even though it’s hard to accept, I’m slowly starting to realize that I can’t bring back my happiness that I had before.
You were my happiness.
You were my life.
How was I such a fool to let you go?
I made a permanent decision based on my temporary feelings.
But now, it seemed that after our break-up, you found someone already.
That escalated quickly though.
He might give you the love that you needed.
He might always stay with you.
He might be willing to give his heart and soul to you.
But I have no right to interfere between both of you.
You needed that kind of love that I couldn’t give.
Always know that I loved you… but I just can’t give the love that you needed.
Finally, you found someone who is better than me.
Someone who can give you more than the things that I gave.
Someone who can treat you better.
Someone who can be with you.
Someone who loves you.
You deserve better.
”It’s so loud inside my head with words I should have said.”
”…I looked back. I looked back at the moments when we were together. I uttered your name once again and I felt comfortable.
Finally, I can be free. I can be free from the distraction that I’ve been staying in.
Finally, those solemn nights of breathing difficultly and inevitable tears came to an end.
Finally, I can fall again without even being destroyed.
I can pick up every piece of myself falling.
So I can love again without forgetting that I must love myself.
Finally, it is over.
Finally, it is finished.
Finally, it ended…”
To end this letter, I would just like to say this for the last time that I love you, goodbye.